I Am, I Said

I'm not sure why I titled today's blog after a Neil Diamond song, but I think it'll make sense by the end of this thing.

Apropos of Neil Diamond... did anyone see him sing (and I use that term loosely) "Sweet Caroline" during the Yankees/Red Sox game Sunday night on ESPN? It was horrible, and I think that's being kind. If you don't believe me, see for yourself.



I wonder how much the Sox had to pay him for that, and I wonder if Pitt would pay him to sing "Sweet Caroline" after the third quarter during a home football game this fall. If anyone out there has pull with the Pitt athletic department, say something to Steve Pedersen and make sure you tell him it was my idea.

Anyway, a comment from a follower (shout out to Bigg) about yesterday's blog got me thinking. I addressed a lot of issues in yesterday's blog, but there were some things I either didn't get to or flat out forgot about. I really hadn't planned to do a sequel of sorts to yesterday's blog, so think of this more as a further explanation of why I am the way I am.

I'm going to be turning 38 in a little over three weeks, and as such, it's really easy to not only get set in your ways but also to not want to change said ways. Now, I will admit to having changed quite a bit over the past 2 years or so. I'm much more accepting of who I am, much more open-minded and not as hard as I used to be on myself, among other things.

Bigg had wondered if maybe I was putting conditions on love, and I thought about that. I thought about it a lot. As it turns out, I don't think I am, but the thing is, I'm not sure I've ever been put in a position to do so.

Let me explain - I don't date much. Never have. Most of my relationships never make it past date two for some reason or another. This is the second time I've tried eharmony. The first time, I met someone I really liked, and she totally blew me off. We went out once, and after that, she would never even return my phone calls or emails. And so began the pattern of my eharmony relationships: get to the open communication stage, find out about one another, exchange emails and phone calls, decide to go out, have a pleasant to really good time and then... Well, I'm not sure what happens, but something always does because my track record is godawful.

Here's a recent example: around the time of the big blizzard we had in Pittsburgh back in February, I met a woman on eharmony that I really liked. We had a ton in common - we liked sci-fi, cult TV shows, books, and lots of other things. The week after the blizzard, we met at a Starbucks and talked for two hours. It was a great first date, so I suggested we meet up again for dinner. She agreed. I thought there was chemistry, and I got the impression she did, too. So, fast forward to date number two, a scant four days later. Not ten minutes into the date, she tells me that she didn't want me to get the wrong impression, but she really didn't feel any chemistry. Needless to say, I was pretty pissed off, but I kept it to myself. What I wanted to say was, "Well, thanks for wasting my night when I could have been somewhere else watching the Pens game. Why the hell didn't you say something before?" The rest of the night was just awkward as hell. We exchanged one more email afterward, and she hasn't written to me since which is fine considering what happened that night.

After awhile, you start to wonder if something's wrong with you. Was it my breath? Did I forget to put on deodorant? Did I have a piece of lettuce in my teeth? And from there, it can spiral into worse things than that. I used to let it really depress me. Now it just pisses me off. A lot.

I try not to get discouraged - really I do. But it's hard. You see all of those eharmony commercials that all but promise you'll meet someone special, and when you don't, you really start to think that maybe it's just not in the cards for you. And it's not like I've been uber-picky when choosing to communicate with my matches. I haven't, but the vast majority of the women I'm matched with don't even go past the first step with me.

Am I picky? Yes, I am, but I really don't want to settle. I have lots of deal breakers - non-smoker, intelligent, kind, sense of humor, and a tangible amount of physical attraction, to name several. Yes, I do realize that the physical aspect can be overrated, but it's something that's important to me. Always has been, probably always will be.

What I have a problem with is that the things I think I bring to a relationship aren't necessarily valued, despite protests to the contrary. I'm quiet, a bit shy, intelligent, a bit geeky, polite, respectful, a purveyor of common sense, a romantic and above all, not a douche bag. I have always considered myself a nice guy, and I have a major problem with douche bags because I think they always seem to get the girls and then treat them like crap. Story of my life, but you'll have that. It is what it is as Coach Cowher always used to say.

Please don't take this as me complaining about not having a girlfriend and so on. I'm not. I don't feel like I'm entitled to one or anything like that. I just... I just hoped it would have happened for me by now, and every now and then, it bums me out that it hasn't. I'll probably be slightly bummed for the rest of the night, but by the time tomorrow rolls around, I won't be.

So, what does this all mean? I'll be honest... I'm not sure, but I did want to get it out there. This is therapeutic for me, and I think that by getting my feelings into the open, I'll be better able to deal with them going forward.

But rest assured, I'm not giving up on meeting women, but there are times, when I do feel like just chucking it in and consigning myself to a bachelor's life.

Anyway, that's all for tonight. Tomorrow I'll be back with something much less serious, I hope, because this blog is supposed to be a lot of things and fun is one of them.

Thanks again for letting me share, and thanks for reading everyone.

See yinz tomorrow!

JD