Memories and Mournings

I think part of the reason I started this blog was for it to act as a sort of self-therapy. Before my life went a wee bit nuts nearly two years ago, I was in regular, twice-a-month therapy, but even after my life slowed down again, I didn't go back to it. Why? Oh, there are probably a dozen reasons (most of them probably not legit, but you'll have that), but I did feel as though the progress I'd made was substantial and real.

A bit of background...

Starting in August of 2008 and ending last November, I lost both of my parents to illness. Both of their deaths were prolonged but sudden nonetheless. My parents and I were relatively close, but circumstances in our respective lives led the three of us to drifting apart somewhat. Oh, I still came over for dinner and to mow the lawn, but for the most part, we all led separate lives.

My mother had been in and out of the hospital her whole life, and a little over ten years ago, a medical mishap left her paralyzed from the chest down, making her totally dependent on others. You have to understand that my mother was perhaps the most independent person ever, so having to constantly rely on others proved to be a strain on her mentally. My dad, God rest his soul, pretty much waited on her hand and foot, 24/7/365, and ultimately, it was part of the reason he went to an early grave. You know what they say about caregivers and those they care for - more often than not, the caregiver goes first. That was the case with my dad.

He never got a chance to enjoy his "freedom." I had big plans for us - I wanted him to come to spring training with my friend Mike and me. I wanted us to spend time together like we'd never been able to before. But by this time, his health was already in decline, and I never got the chance to do these things with him.

Two years ago July, my dad, my mother's brother and I decided it was time to put her in a nursing home. It was probably the hardest decision of my life, but I knew it was the right one. My dad physically (and mentally) couldn't take care of her anymore. Unfortunately, my dad didn't know how to deal with life without my mother around. I think he thought he had failed her in some way, especially because she had always said she'd go into a nursing home over her dead body. Not three months after my mother went into the home, my dad ended up in the hospital himself. He never made it home. A combination of pneumonia, MRSA and a stroke ultimately did him in. He somehow lingered until the following August before finally succumbing to his maladies.

I'll never forget the call - I was at work. My cell phone rang. I knew it right away as the number of the nursing facility my dad was at. I thought it was a billing question. It wasn't. I was in a daze for most of the rest of the day, even after driving down to Washington County to see him. I didn't know how to react. Hell, I still don't. It still haunts me sometimes. I often have dreams with my parents in them, but they're rarely pleasant.

As I grew older, my dad and I formed a good friendship. He could talk to me and I to him. We'd share beers and wings down at the Kennedy Tavern once a week and just hash out the problems of the world. God, I miss that. I miss him. But am I still mourning him? Is there a set time you should mourn someone for? I sometimes feel bad when I don't think of him in a given day, but is that natural? I struggle with this a lot, yet when I do think of him, it's fondly. Sometimes, little things he used to say or do will make me smile. I wish... I wish I could just talk to him like I used to. He was a man of few words and the most selfless person I've ever known. There will never be another like him, and if/when I ever have a child of my own, I'll be sure to tell him all about his Grandpa John.

But my mother? Well, that's another story. Y'see, though my mother and I loved each other, I don't think we ever really understood one another. She would often accuse me (sometime rightfully so) of being selfish. I would (internally) accuse of her trying to mask her problems and insecurities by being a control freak and buying things she would never use, often spending large amounts of money in the process. I could never understand why she was so fixated on keeping up appearances. I often would refer to it as "rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic," because that's how fruitless it was. Even bedridden in the nursing home, she would still obsess over certain things - like where her water cup was on her table or always having a folded tissue ready for her. It drove me nuts, but I bit my tongue and did what she asked. I didn't always do that, and it often led to arguments. We butted heads quite a bit over the years, mostly over really stupid stuff. Her "eccentricities" got worse after she ended up in a wheelchair, and somewhere along the line, I think she just snapped.

It started one day when she called me out of the blue to say that she and my dad were divorcing. She claimed to have a new husband named "Mike" who was a doctor. Just as an aside, her doctor at the time was named Mike, too. This threw my dad and me for a loop because it never went away. It ended with her totally denying my dad, which I think was one of the reasons for his eventual downfall. It even extended to me. She started to form this alternate reality in which I was married with identical twin sons. After months of just arguing with her about her delusions, I just gave up and went along with her when she would bring it up.

My mom passed much as I expected - alone in a hospital bed. After a lifetime of pain and suffering, her heart just gave out finally. Much like my dad, she never was able to take advantage of her later years. She never got to hold her first grandchild or travel or putz around the house, cooking, baking and gardening - things she loved to do before her paralysis robbed her of those parts of her life.

I reacted to my mother's death much differently than my dad's. It was more of a sense of relief than anything else. I really didn't mourn her in any way and still haven't, I think. Is this wrong? I wasn't glad she was dead, but I was happy she wasn't suffering any more. Selfishly, I was happy I didn't have to make my thrice-weekly trips to the nursing home anymore because it just depressed the hell out of me to go there and see her like she was at the end, a literal shadow of her former self.

Thanks to therapy, I no longer dwell on the past like I used to. Believe me, I used to drive myself nuts with "woulda, shoulda, coulda." I don't do that anymore, but I'll always wish that I could have done something more with both of my parents before they died. I'll always feel that emptiness because I never really got a chance to tell both of them how I felt and what they meant to me. They raised me right, and though I'm not perfect by any means, I am the person I am because of them, and I'll always be grateful for that.

M & D - I miss you. I hope that wherever you are, you're together and happy. I'll always love you.

Unsolicited Plug of the Day - to the makers of the anti-depressant Lexapro. I never used to believe in relying on medication to help bring some balance to one's mental state, but ever since I started taking Lexapro, I've been a much more relaxed, content and even keeled person, and that's without feeling like a zombie when I take it. I'm still me, just a more relaxed and happy me. That, my friends, is a good thing.

Monday Night Musings and other nonsense

So, if you're here for a second day, welcome back! If you're just tuning in, boy have you picked the right day (or wrong, depending on your perspective).

Today is the first of my soon-to-be-famous Monday Night RAW musings, a look back at the night that was on WWE's flagship program, Monday Night RAW (the longest running program in the history of episodic television as Michael Cole never fails to remind us each and every week).

Y'see, kids, I'm a pro wrestling geek of sorts. I've been following it for 25 years now (has it really been that long?), and as such, I feel I know a thing or three about it. And while I wouldn't consider myself an "insider," I do think I'm as qualified to have an informed opinion as any of them are.

So, on with the musings...

1. Are you as surprised as I am by Randy Orton's very subtle, yet well executed, face turn? Orton is one of the last people I'd ever thought would be ripe for a face turn, yet it's happening right before our eyes. But unlike his last face turn when he was summarily removed from Evolution, this one actually looks like it might work. Why? Because the powers-that-be aren't changing Orton - they're only changing who he's facing in the ring. Did you hear the pop he got last night when Triple H tagged him in during their 2-on-3 match against Legacy and Sheamus? I don't think he's ever gotten a pop like that. After Wrestlemania, RAW is going to need a new top of the card face, what with Shawn Michaels either taking time off or just retiring altogether (check out this scoop at WrestleZone for more info on HBK), and it looks like it's going to be Orton. And that's a good thing, because he was starting to become very stale as a heel. A face Orton opens up lots of new feuds and old feuds with a new twist. Kudos to WWE for actually doing a turn that makes sense for once.

2. I'm not sure if HBK/Taker II can top last year's match, but I'm sure they'll try their damnedest to make it so. I don't see how Michaels can win this match. The Undertaker's streak is "sacred," and with Taker getting ever closer to retirement, I just can't see it ending now. Guess we'll find out.

3. I'll be curious to see if there are any surprises and/or shenanigans during the Vince/Bret match at Mania. Vince sort of teased it last night, but I still think Bret goes over in the end, via Sharpshooter in the middle of the ring.

4. Someone please explain to me the mess that the Women's division has become. It's sure fallen a long way since the glory days of Trish Stratus and Lita. Bad booking, injuries and retirements have made it virtually unwatchable, even with the wonderful eye candy.

5. Good promo/segment to end the show last night between Batista and Cena. I'm still having trouble seeing Batista as a heel after he was a face for such a long time, but he's certainly done his best to get over as a bad ass, yet semi-cowardly, heel. I still think Cena's gonna win, though.

6. ShowMiz vs. Truth and Wisdom could be a show stealer... if it goes more than, y'know, 8 minutes. Man, call me old, but I really miss when tag team wrestling meant something. Oh well, guess that's why I like CHIKARA so much.

Other nonsense...

- Ben Roethlisberger to meet with NFL Commish Roger Goodell. Yeah, that can't be good. Wonder if it'll be before or after Goodell watches Ben's "appearance" on South Park? And along those same lines, I wonder if Tiger Woods has watched it yet?

- Is it wrong of me to be disappointed by the pretty crappy weather we had today? I mean, it is still March, and we haven't seen anything resembling snow for several weeks. I guess I shouldn't bitch about temps in the 40s and rain... but I will.

- How will Obamacare affect someone like me who is currently uninsured but won't be when I'm no longer a temp? Will the health insurance police come after me?

- The Pirates announced their starting rotation today (Duke, Ohlendorf, Malholm, Morton and McCutchen). In other news, the Pirates have been mathematically eliminated from postseason contention. At least they had the good sense to send Kevin "Balls Off the Plate" Hart to AAA.

- Raise your hand if you had Northern Iowa, St. Mary's and Cornell all in the Sweet 16. Yeah, that's what I thought. Hey, I didn't either, so no shame.

- Is it just me or are the Penguins playing incredibly uninspiring hockey as of late? A team with as much talent as they have shouldn't struggle to score three goals on a regular basis. Memo to Sid and the boys - you can't always expect to be able to turn on the switch whenever the playoffs start.

Unsolicited Plug of the Day: the fine folks at Dazen Family Dentistry in Stowe Township who let it be known that I won't be needing a root canal to fix my broken tooth. If that's not worth an unsolicited plug, then I don't know what is.

Later.

JD